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How to Say it to Seniors
Caring for Aging Parents
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By David Solie, MS, PA
david@dsolie.com
The answer is: "We don't." Older adults see where they live as the Alamo and will make their last stand defending it. We advance with logic, manipulations, and threats, and they use any means at their disposal to repel us. Here's why.
1. The place they call home is usually the last spot on earth they control, and for them, control is everything in a world where all control is gradually slipping away. They know that once they lose the place that they have always called home, the end game begins, with no going back.
2. Older adults fear the loss of independence, and nursing homes, more than death. This is the finding from a recent study called “Aging in Place in America” which was commissioned by Clarity® and The EAR Foundation which examines attitudes of older adults and boomers on aging and independence.
Most of us are motivated by our concerns over our parents' real or potential safety issues to try to get them to move. We are hoping at some point they will finally agree with us.
In most cases, they never do. They may ultimately acquiesce to our pressure, but for now they are more than willing to maintain a "hold position" until events force a change. This makes us crazy because we can see it coming, and we are at a loss to understand why they remain blind to the threat. What happens if they fall or have a stroke? But they don't see it that way. They look at the same facts, and come up with a different interpretation of the risk. Here is what they see.
They see their home as the best place to be, especially if events take a turn for the worst. They aren't blind to what is coming. In fact many older adults admit to wondering what's going to get them in the end. The question is not if or when; the question for most older adults is where. They also know that once they fall, or have the stroke, or the heart attack happens, they will most likely lose the place they call home. Yet when they weigh all these options, they usually chose to stay put.
So where does that leave their adult children? Mostly waiting. Waiting to see what happens. Waiting for the phone to ring. Waiting for a turn of events. For a population that is accustomed to taking action, getting things done, it is a frustrating and stressful role. But it also provides an important lesson about how both parties define success at the end of life.
As middle aged people, we define success with our aging parents in part on our management skills. Can we keep everything together? Can we avoid a predictable disaster, complication, or setback? We are determined, stressed, and deep in our heart, afraid.
Our aging parents define success in part on preserving what they know will soon be lost. Their home. Their health. Their family. Their friends. Their mobility. Their finances. Their spouse. Having any of these another day is an invaluable victory in the final phase of life.
So it becomes a dance between preservers, and the managers. Both deeply care about each other, even if they can't always show it. It is two generations with two different agendas, with different needs, hopes, and fears forming an awkward but essential partnership to navigate the unthinkable.
In the end it is not about getting them to move, but rather helping them to get ready to move whenever the occasion presents itself.
It is about helping them preserve the final independence, control, and hope for one more good day, until its time to move on to something else.
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